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Ask any single person, and they'll tell you: If you're newly diagnosed, you may be thinking: "So what? I'm never going to date again." But you won't feel that way forever. You're still alive, you're still human. Sooner or later, you're going to long for companionship, for sex, for love-the whole enchilada. And it can be done. There are lots of HIV love stories out there. Some involve couples who are both HIV-positive. Some involve couples in which only one partner has the virus. It can work either way. If you're new to dating with HIV, you may find it easier to start with people who are also HIV-positive. They know what you're going through, and they understand the disease. Since this is such a popular way to go, you'll find tons of dating sites and personal ads on-line for positive people. Some well-established sites include:
it's hard to find that "someone special." Add HIV to the equation, and it's even more complicated.
There are many others-just Google "HIV Dating," and you'll find plenty. You may also find an HIV-positive date at a support group, HIV conference, or a singles event sponsored by one of the major ASOs.
If you want to play the wider field of those who are and are not positive, you may find a date at match.com, at your place of worship, through on-line ads and personals, or through friends.
When you're dating outside of the HIV community, a question you're going to have to deal with is "when to tell." The two major options are "Tell and Kiss," and "Kiss and Tell."
"Tell and Kiss" means telling before the first kiss-or even before the first date. "Tell and Kiss" has a lot of advantages. One of these is less emotional attachment before a possible rejection. After all, if your HIV status is going to be a problem for your new partner, why not find out right away and move on? The downside is that you wind up telling more people about your HIV status. You don't tell everyone you meet about your HIV-why tell a first date that might not "click" anyway?
"Kiss and Tell" offers the advantage of protecting your privacy-you only tell people when you really feel there's a chance for a relationship. The negative is the "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" reaction. Some dates may feel tricked or betrayed because you didn't tell on the first date. Some even get violent.
When you MUST tell is before you have sex. If you do not, you may expose your partner to HIV, which is not only morally wrong, it is illegal in the majority of states. Even if you have safe sex, and your partner is not infected, it is illegal in many states and countries to have sex without disclosing your status. This is no joke-people are in prison for this. You also potentially expose yourself to other sexually transmitted diseases, Hepatitis C, or even more virulent strains of HIV.
So, by all means, have the "talk" before you wind up in the sack. And do it while you're both sober. 
Whether you tell before the first kiss or after-that's up to you. No one can tell you which is right for you.
Dating is a nerve-wracking undertaking, whether you are 16 or 60, male or female, straight or gay. But it is also one of the joys of life. If HIV makes you feel ashamed or undesirable, or just so fearful of rejection that dating doesn't seem worth the trouble, talk your feelings through with a friend, a support group, or a therapist.
They say "there's a lid for every pot." Somebody out there wants you! But they'll never find you if you go into hiding.
Copyright 2010, Positive Health Publications, Inc.
This magazine is intended to enhance your relationship with your doctor - not replace it! Medical treatments and products should always be discussed with a licensed physician who has experience treating HIV and AIDS!
